Trying to raise my kids the best I can

Thursday, September 09, 2010

The nursing milestone

I hit that milestone yesterday.  The milestone in which you say, "why did I become a nurse?".  Only it wasn't just a cliche-ha-ha "why did I become a nurse?"  It was a genuine, dear Jesus, WHY didn't I become a house cleaner???"  I was not meant to count out and record important information.  I didn't want to do busy work like this.  I like to diagnose people.  That's totally and completely different than my current job description.  Careful records and precise accuracy in everything you do?  That's not my forte.  In fact, that's my weakness.  This is absolutely ridiculous that I am having to do this.  For instance... I could never never be a cashier.  They make minimum wage, but I have the utmost respect for them.  The two times I've had to work as a cashier I messed up the money count.  I am just not good at that. 

But, in my moment of crisis, I really called out to the Lord.  In a desperation that I haven't done in a long long time.  And I felt a peace that it is going to get better from here.  So I hope that is true. 

There is a stereotype that new nurses go home and cry every night their first year.  I hear that from a lot of nurses, that they did that.  I wish I could say that were true for me.  But noooooooo, I'm a ridiculously sensitive person and I cry on the job.  All the time.  I really restrain myself though.  You know, digging my fingernails into my skin.  Hiding behind things so people can't see me.  It is so, absolutely inappropriate to cry at work.  I try my very hardest to maintain a dignified, professional demeanor.  Even yesterday, possibly the worst day of my life- when patients asked me "how are you?"  I gave a cheerful, upbeat: "good!  How are you?"  It's entirely inappropriate to be emotional in front of patients.  As one counselor once said.  "You can cry.  You just can't cry harder than your patient". 


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