Trying to raise my kids the best I can

Saturday, June 21, 2008

No understanding

An online friend's baby died. He died at birth. Shoulder dystocia. And cord wrapped around his neck twice. The birth was horrifically traumatic. I'm reeling from it. And I have so many questions and emotions. I'm really upset. But I don't feel like I can talk about it with anyone because my IRL friends don't know about it and it would be selfish of me to be talking about my feelings with my online friends. I mean, MY feelings are entirely irrelevant right now.

But I just. keep. looking. at. my. baby.

My God. It's not fair. Why was it her and not me? Why did it happen at all?

All of the every day life things seem so trivial to me now. Like looking at my recent blog posts kind of makes me sick. Basketball? Who can think about basketball? A baby has died. But I know that in a few weeks I'll be back to normal and my friend won't be. For her, life will always seem a little trivial in comparison. And I feel guilty that I get to go back to normal and she doesn't.

And then it makes me reconsider our crunchy ideals. Homebirth is best? Really? Birthcenters are good? Really? No pain meds for mom? How is that best when you have to rip her open like a piece of meat? If a doctor had done the usual routine- "a pitocin drip, an epidural, no progress? That's OK we'll section her" - we all would be bitching and whining that the medical system is messed up and all the Doctors care about is not getting sued and making it to the golf game in time. But what if the baby would have lived because of all those interventions?

I still want to go for the extreme in crunchy- for number five: an unassisted home birth. But. wow. Look what happens sometimes when things go wrong. Babies die. Mother's hearts break.


  • At 12:22 AM, Blogger Mommy said…

    I have been thinking and thinking about the same thing, and wonder too what could have been. AND that makes it so much more tragic. Are Amy and dh thinking these thoughts- how much more painful is a child's death when anyone questions how it may have been prevented. I have been reeling all day.


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