Trying to raise my kids the best I can

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"And that was how she died"

I have an anxiety disorder that's completely under control with medication. It's hereditory - from my mom and her mom-who knows how far back. Before getting on medication I tried for a long time to just deal with it by talking myself through anxiety ridden situations. Now, you would think, that you could just rationalize yourself out of an anxiety attack. For instance, I might be afraid of the elevator I was in breaking its cable and dropping. So rationally I could tell myself that the odds of that are very slim and that according to the certificate on the wall it was recently inspected. But that's the odd thing about anxiety disorders; a part of you completely understands rational thinking and the part of you that is controlled by it is convinced that it is going to happen. So I discovered that the only method that worked in dealing with anxiety is to give in to the assumed worst case scenerio, which leads me to the phrase I made up. It goes "And that is how she died", meaning me. "So my plane crashed with me in it. Big deal. I'll be in heaven and it is almost over." Even though my anxiety is under control, I still get normal-range bouts of it and I still use the phrase. It works like a charm. Today when I was merging on the highway a Mac truck roared past my window. For a second I thought I was a goner. But instead of panicking I just said to myself... "And that was how she died... crushed by a Mac truck on Rt 128." It kind of makes light of the situation and for me it works.

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